Categories
Parenting

How to Stand in the Home – A Post for Parents

Last post I shared an excerpt from one of Josh McDowell’s books. The focus was on spouses listening to one another. Today I want to share some ideas from McDowell on Parenting. During the 2013 GridIron Men’s Conference, he shared a message to men and fathers titled: “How to Stand in the Home.”

Here are some of excerpts that I thought were helpful:

The Greatest security for your child… is for your child to know that you love your spouse and that you will never divorce him/her.

The 4 simple steps to help your children/family:

1. Availability
Children spell love T-I-M-E.
It doesn’t matter what else you do if you are not available.

2. Affirmation
This means affirming their emotions. When a problem arises, don’t try to fix, don’t blame, don’t dismiss, don’t quote scripture. Instead, obey scripture… Rejoice when they rejoice and weep when they are weeping. Affirm, affirm, affirm.

Instead of fixing the problem, or teaching on the issue, first provide affirmation.
You can fix and teach later, but first affirm.

3. Appreciation
Receiving appreciation provides your children with a sense of significance.
Don’t work to catch them doing something wrong in order to discipline them.
Instead work to catch them doing something right and express appreciation to them.

4. Affection
Our affection allows our children to be able to say and believe: “I am lovable.”
If they don’t get affection from their father, they will get it from someone else.
(Which is one of the prime reasons for high teen pregnancy rates.)

Your family should not be put before your business or ministry…
Because your family should be your first business and first ministry!

Godly parents are so important to the health of their children. Stand for God in your home!

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Categories
Parenting Salvation

Parents, Children, and Salvation Questions

I often have parents come to me with salvation questions regarding their children, such as:
    Do you think they are ready? and
    Do you think they are too young?

child with hands over his face with question marks floating around - symbolizing salvation questions
Christian parents want their children to know Jesus and His salvation, but they want it to be real. Therefore, parents are often worried about pressuring their children too early.
(This discussion is based out of the Baptist framework of children being baptized after belief in Jesus for salvation.)

So here are a few aspects of salvation that parents need their children to understand:
   (I adapted much of this from another source, and though I usually keep up with sources, I somehow have lost this one)

The Concept of Sin
Every person (including children):
   1. Must understand what sin is.
   2. Must know that he/she has sinned.
   3. Must understand that when he/she sins, it is against God.
   4. Must believe that sin separates him/her from God.
   5. Must feel sorry for his/her sin and want to cease sinful actions (repent).

How do Children Become Christians?
The same way adults do! After hearing the gospel message of what Jesus has done and then desiring to be saved, each of the following elements must be present:
   1. Repentance – not just knowledge of sin, but sadness over the sin & the desire to reverse his/her direction into whole-hearted obedience to God.
   2. Faith – trusting in, believing in, & depending on Jesus for salvation.
   3. Confession – committing one’s life to serve Jesus as Lord (King/Master).

My Child Is Asking Questions About Salvation and Baptism. Is He/She Ready?
Children ask questions about lots of subjects because they are naturally curious. When it comes to their asking questions about salvation, do not confuse curiosity with readiness for salvation. These two items are distinctly different, but the curiosity is a great starting point to begin the conversations with your child about becoming a follower of Christ.

Children need to clearly know the difference between:
   1. Becoming a Christian
      This is Step 1: the most important step – Jesus transforms our lives.
   2. Being Baptized
      This is Step 2: baptism being a symbol that tells the world of our connection to Christ, our obedience to Him, and our fellowship with all other believers.
   3. Becoming a Member of a Church
      This is Step 3: our decision to unite with a local group of believers. The first church we join is the one in which we are baptized, but we are to continue to be connected to a local body throughout our lives so that we can support, encourage, and sharpen one another throughout our lives as Christians.

To the Parent who is worried about whether your child is “ready” or not:
If your child (or children) know the concepts of the ABC’s of salvation well, then I would recommend the following steps:
1. Go ahead and pray with them, encouraging them to confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior. This is never a bad idea, not even to do multiple times, even if you would like to hold off on baptism for a while to make sure that they understand the gospel and salvation.

2. Have them talk with your pastor so he can sit down with them and ask them the same questions that should be asked of everyone before joining the church, so he can also hear their answers to the questions. That way everyone can be in agreement about whether your child is ready for salvation, baptism, and church membership.

3. You can share with them that you want them to wait a bit longer to be baptized, because you want to make sure of two things that occur with people their age who are baptized:
     a. many times children their age want to be baptized because other people are making the same decision, and while we don’t think that is the case with them, we want to wait just a bit more time to make sure they are certain of why they are being baptized.
     b. many times when children their age are baptized at such a young age, they have a hard time remembering it, and we want them to be able to remember it because it is so important for every person.

I have baptized young children, but I do know that it is harder for them to remember the event the earlier the age at which they are baptized. And that can sometimes lead to doubts later on, such as in the teenage years, of asking: “Did I really understand what I was doing back then?” When that occurs, my questions to them are: Did you know you were a sinner then? Did you believe Jesus died on the cross? Did you believe Jesus rose again? Did you want Jesus to be your Lord? Did you have a conversation about this with your parents and/or pastor? If your answer is yes to all the questions, then yes, you can trust that you were saved and you understood it at a 7-year-old level, and as you have grown older you have also grown in your understanding of Jesus and what He did to save you from your sin.

I was 8 when I was baptized and I don’t remember much about the experience. But I do know I was saved with an 8-year-old understanding and now I understand it with a 44-year-old understanding. I have come far, but I still have much more to learn about salvation. Our church’s current youth minister was 7 when he was baptized and he remembers his experience quite vividly. He also agrees that he was saved with a 7-year-old understanding and now he understands salvation at a deeper level.

So I would say:
1. If your child has a handle on the concepts, then certainly have them pray with you about salvation.
2. Determine if you want them to go ahead and be baptized or if you feel they should wait a bit longer.
3. Let your pastor know what you decide, and bring your child to talk to him.
4. Allow your pastor to go over it again with your child, and if he also feels that they are ready, then celebrate their salvation, no matter whether your decision is for them to “wait-a-while” or “go ahead and be baptized.”

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Categories
Parenting

What to Say to Your Kids When You Watch Them Play, Cheer, Dance, etc.

Actually, today is a repost of mine from a few years ago, but I wanted to reshare it because of its helpfulness to parents as you go watch your children perform in various activities.

My previous post was also on parenting: What to say when someone is mean to your child. If you missed it click here.

Today I want to share with you another parenting article I found a few years ago written by Dr. Tim Elmore. This is an excellent read with very helpful advice for everyone with children or grandchildren, nephews or nieces, and basically if you know any children at all. Your kids (or grand-kids) are involved in lots of stuff. Most every parent will take time to watch their child perform in various activities. Many children will participate in sports, but this advice also carries over into other activities such as recitals, spelling bees, marching band, dance, school plays, whatever your child is engaged in.When they are participating in these activities, what do you need to say to them as you watch?

kids playing baseball who had to give up some time and effort to play the game
Photo by matthew_hull from Morguefile.com

Before I provide you with a link to the full article, let me give you the summary to whet your appetite and give you the key piece of knowledge and the six-word sentence you should use:

No one has more at stake in their performing child than the child’s parents.
They love their child, they’ve invested in their child.
But they can also put intense pressure on their child.

Student-athletes say: “I feel like I’m never quite good enough; I can never fully please my parents.”

A parent’s role should be one of “supporting and letting go.”

The most liberating words, the most healthy words, that parents can speak to their student-athletes (or other performing children) are quite simple. Here they are…

Before the Competition, say:
Have fun!
Play hard!
I love you!

After the competition, say:
Did you have fun?
I’m proud of you!
I love you!

After much research, experts suggest six simple words that parents can express which will produce the most positive results in their children. These are the words that made children feel great both during and after a performance. Here they are:
“I Love To Watch You Play.”

That’s it.
No pressure. No correction. No judgment.
Just pure love of your child using their gift in competition.

This is what the experts learned will help create an emotionally healthy child.

You might wonder if this removes competitiveness and is too lax. If this is all I am to do, then who will instruct my child properly? That is why the team has a coach already. Your job is not to coach. Your job is to support. If you don’t believe this idea to be true, then after reading this article, go pick up MLB Coach Mike Matheny’s book – The Matheny Manifesto – which gives almost the same advice.

Now Dad & Mom – go out and try this with your child this week!

And now you can go read the full article:
What Parents Should Say As Their Kids Perform! by Dr. Tim Elmore by clicking here.

Categories
Parenting

Stop Being Mean

I am not a parent, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night. Therefore, I have all sorts of parental knowledge dripping out of me today.
a holiday inn express sign to indicate that I'm smarter today for staying in one last night
Actually, as a former youth & children’s minister who gathered excellent parenting skills from TV sitcoms, I have some suggestions for you. And the suggestion is to listen to this excellent advice that was written by actual parents!

Specifically I want to share two parenting articles with you that I have run across. Today I’ll share the first one which is not only helpful for parents, but is good advice to all of us. I encourage you to go and read the whole article by clicking the link or image below. This first article is about being mean, or rather why we should not be mean:
What to do when someone is being mean to your child by Sandy Cooper

this is the blog logo of the scoop on balance which has a great article on helping your kids deal with those who are being mean to them

Sandy is a skilled writer with great humor and insight in her post. Here are some of the highlights for you:

Her son said “…this kid imitated me and laughed at me. He just kept doing it even when I asked him to stop. I don’t understand why kids always make fun of me. Sometimes I just feel like the whole world hates me.”

She reminds us that One Mean Kid can make him feel like the whole world hates him.
Mean Kids carry a lot of power.

She then shared six key points with her son:
(I’m only providing a summary of four here – so to get the full scoop, you’ll have to go to her post)
image of a fist punching through a window as a symbol of being mean
1. There will always be mean people. There will always be people who don’t like you…. You can’t change that. All you can do is equip yourself to deal with hate in a healthy, productive way.

2. That voice in your head that says, “Sometimes I feel like the whole world hates me” – That’s Satan. And that’s a lie. There are way more people who love you than people who don’t.

3. Kids are mean for a reason…. But almost NEVER is it because of you. Don’t ever define yourself based on the opinion of the Mean Kid.

4. And the most important point she makes: Then I leaned across the kitchen counter, looked him in the eyes and said, “If you hear anything I say today, hear this…It’s the most important thing I’m telling you: Don’t EVER be the Mean Kid. Ever. And when you see another kid getting picked on, for the love of all that is right and good, go rescue that kid. Go put your arm on that kid’s shoulder and tell him you are on his side. …You might be the only one who sticks up for him! Be THAT kid. Be the one who sees the hurting, downcast kid and RESCUES him.

That makes you just like Jesus.

Wow. Excellent advice. And not only for kids. I need to remember this as an adult. And I need to share this idea with other people I know. Parents, be sure to share this reminder with your children. Being mean isn’t being like Jesus.

May we all be more like Jesus.

And don’t ever be the mean kid.

Categories
Parenting

Teaching Children To Fail

Are you teaching your children to fail?
A paper with a grade of F = fail
K-Love has “Life Change Moments” and one from earlier this year was a good reminder of a powerful lesson that we all need to teach to our children – Teaching our children to fail well.

The statement made was that we go get our child ice cream they win the basketball game with the final shot, celebrating their victory. However, if they miss that last shot, we hang our heads and try not to talk about it, indicating to them our shame and disappointment. What we need to do instead is to teach that failure is part of life. We need to be honest and transparent with our own failures, telling our children at dinnertime about the bone-headed mistake that we made at work today.

I agree with this “Life Change Moment.” I’m not saying that we need to congratulate our children’s failures, but that we should be realistic and let them know that failure is normal and not shameful. I’ve seen too many children & teens brokenhearted due to seeing their parent’s intense disappointment due to the child’s failure (or lack of success) at a sporting event or some other competition. It is so easy to show our disappointment with our children’s failures and poor choices without ever letting them know that we adults also make poor choices and have failures. So let’s be honest and transparent and teach our children to fail well – learning not to be shamed, but rather to use failure as an instructor and motivator to help us learn how to succeed in the future.

God, Help Us To Change Our Conversations – even with our children!

Parents, any practical suggestions on how to do this?

“Spare the rod and spoil the child – that is true. But, beside the rod, keep an apple to give him when he has done well.” –Martin Luther

— brian rushing