Categories
Parenting

How to Stand in the Home – A Post for Parents

Last post I shared an excerpt from one of Josh McDowell’s books. The focus was on spouses listening to one another. Today I want to share some ideas from McDowell on Parenting. During the 2013 GridIron Men’s Conference, he shared a message to men and fathers titled: “How to Stand in the Home.”

Here are some of excerpts that I thought were helpful:

The Greatest security for your child… is for your child to know that you love your spouse and that you will never divorce him/her.

The 4 simple steps to help your children/family:

1. Availability
Children spell love T-I-M-E.
It doesn’t matter what else you do if you are not available.

2. Affirmation
This means affirming their emotions. When a problem arises, don’t try to fix, don’t blame, don’t dismiss, don’t quote scripture. Instead, obey scripture… Rejoice when they rejoice and weep when they are weeping. Affirm, affirm, affirm.

Instead of fixing the problem, or teaching on the issue, first provide affirmation.
You can fix and teach later, but first affirm.

3. Appreciation
Receiving appreciation provides your children with a sense of significance.
Don’t work to catch them doing something wrong in order to discipline them.
Instead work to catch them doing something right and express appreciation to them.

4. Affection
Our affection allows our children to be able to say and believe: “I am lovable.”
If they don’t get affection from their father, they will get it from someone else.
(Which is one of the prime reasons for high teen pregnancy rates.)

Your family should not be put before your business or ministry…
Because your family should be your first business and first ministry!

Godly parents are so important to the health of their children. Stand for God in your home!

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Categories
Ramblings

Communication in Marriage is a Key to Marital Success

My last two posts have been about loving our spouses – using the five love languages and remembering that we must be selfless as we choose to love. Another key aspect of having a healthy marriage is having healthy communication.
a sculpture of a man listening, reminding us the communication is important in relationships

Regarding communication in marriage, I have appreciated this insight from The Secret of Loving, by Josh McDowell, for many years:

Most people think of talking as communication–with the goal of getting their point-of-view across. Meaningful communication, however, is two-fold…both talking and listening. The facet most neglected by couples today is listening. From the fact that God gave us two ears and one mouth, the Irish have drawn the thoughtful conclusion that we should listen twice as much as we talk.

James wrote, ”Be quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). The phrase ”quick to hear” means to be ”a ready listener.” But most people are a lot more comfortable in communication when they are doing the talking. They feel greater security in asserting their positions, feelings, opinions, and ideas than in listening to those of another. Listening is the most difficult aspect of communication for most people. Listening never comes naturally.

Hearing is basically to gain content or information for your own purposes. Listening is caring for and being empathetic toward the person who is talking. Hearing means that you are concerned about what is going on inside you during the conversation. Listening means that you are trying to understand the feelings of the other person and are listening for his/her sake.

It is imperative that we recognize that we always communicate in one way or another. In other words, even silence is communication. So, the key to communication is to do it effectively, in a way that creates a climate of greater intimacy and vulnerability.

The best commentary I’ve heard on Jesus’ commandment to ”love your neighbor as yourself” is by David Augsburger: ”To love you as I love myself is to seek to hear you as I want to be heard and understand you as I long to be understood.”

…When you and I listen to another person we are conveying the thought that ”I’m interested in you as a person, and I think that what you feel is important. I respect your thoughts, even if I don’t agree with them. I know that they are valid for you. I feel sure that you have a contribution to make. I’m not trying to change you or evaluate you. I just want to understand you. I think you’re worth listening to, and I want you to know that I’m the kind of person that you can talk to.”

So, how good of a listener are you for your spouse on a scale of 1 to 10?

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Categories
Relationships

Choosing to Love Requires You to be Selfless. Love is Not a Feeling.

Choosing to love someone versus feeling loving toward someone. Should there be a difference? And why am I being asked to be selfless? Shouldn’t others be meeting my needs? As I mentioned in my last post, Gary Chapman identified Five Love Languages that people can express and need:

  • Affirming Words
  • Providing Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • All five of these can be important to us, but there is usually one that will be more important for you to receive than the other four.

    Without asking him or her, what do you think your spouse’s primary love language is?
    What do you think your spouse’s secondary love language is?
    Have your spouse do the free online test at 5lovelanguages.com to see if you are right.

    The primary and secondary love languages are seldom the same for a husband and wife. But that doesn’t mean you cannot fill each others’ tanks. Instead, you must each ask this question – Can I fill my spouse’s love tank even though it is different from how I naturally show love?
    photo of the feet of bride and groom on wedding day symbolizing selfless love
    Being “in love” is not a feeling. Love is something you choose to do for someone else. We know this to be true, but then we often operate as if love is a feeling. For example, we know it is a choice, because we say on our wedding day that we will be committed to one another for better or for worse. Therefore, you know that you must choose to love…even when times get “worse.”

    We also know love to be a choice based on how we choose to love our children. We tell them, “No matter what you do, I will always love you.” And then we fulfill that statement. Even when they mess up. Even when they hurt our feelings. Even when they disobey us or betray us. The selfless love of a parent remains – no matter what.

    And though we understand this with our children, too often we are unwilling to provide that same level of selfless love to our spouse – the person who we stood before God and everyone and said “I vow to love you till death do us part, even in times of sickness and even if things in life get worse.”

    We know that love is a choice and not a feeling because that is how we have chosen to love our children – unconditionally. Be sure to remind yourself that it is to be the same with your spouse – love is a choice, so choose to love your spouse unconditionally.

    If love is a choice, then we can choose to speak our spouse’s love language even when it is not our primary love language. We can decide to show them our love, even when the way they want to receive love isn’t the way we most naturally give it. We can choose to do this because, as the Bible says, “love is not self-seeking.” Choose to be selfless. Choose to love.

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    Categories
    Relationships

    I Recommend that You Find Out Your Spouse’s Love Language

    Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse’s? How about your children’s?

    Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, has been around for more than 20 years. And it is still a powerful resource to help us love those around us – our spouse, our children, our family members, even our friends and co-workers.

    Even if you do not read the rest of the post after this sentence, be sure that you go to this Five Love Languages Website Link to take the free on-line test to discover your primary love language. And then get your spouse and children to take it. And then share with each other the languages that mean the most to each of you.
         (The free assessment consists of 30 questions and only takes 10-15 minutes to complete)
    a graphic showing the five love languages
    Dr. Gary Chapman has hit on a fundamental principle for us all in his discussion on love languages, as he indicates that:

  • Love is an emotional need. If we know we are loved, the whole world is bright, but if we don’t have love being poured into us, we are likely to feel lonely and unappreciated.
  • Inside each of us is an emotional “love tank” that needs to be filled with the “right fuel” to help us feel loved.
  • Each of us has a primary love language, and we expresses love in the way that comes naturally to us. And since it is rare for a couple to speak the same love language, each person must learn to show love in the way that their spouse needs to receive it.
  • Love is a choice – something we do for the other person. We can and must learn to speak our partner’s primary love language, or we may wind up with our partner feeling unloved despite our sincere effort to love them.
  • Remember that when speaking your partner’s love language “doesn’t come naturally” to you, and yet you make the effort to do so anyway, you are showing your partner just how important they are to you.
  • The issue is not being comfortable, the issue is choosing to love.
  • It takes practice, practice, practice, but the results will be worth it!
  • The Love Chapter found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 provides us with a look at the selfless nature of God’s love that we should take in and then pour out to our spouse and to others. It tells us that:

    Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

    Are you willing to learn the love language of your spouse and your children and then selflessly provide love to them in a way that might not always come naturally to you?

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    Categories
    Parenting Salvation

    Parents, Children, and Salvation Questions

    I often have parents come to me with salvation questions regarding their children, such as:
        Do you think they are ready? and
        Do you think they are too young?

    child with hands over his face with question marks floating around - symbolizing salvation questions
    Christian parents want their children to know Jesus and His salvation, but they want it to be real. Therefore, parents are often worried about pressuring their children too early.
    (This discussion is based out of the Baptist framework of children being baptized after belief in Jesus for salvation.)

    So here are a few aspects of salvation that parents need their children to understand:
       (I adapted much of this from another source, and though I usually keep up with sources, I somehow have lost this one)

    The Concept of Sin
    Every person (including children):
       1. Must understand what sin is.
       2. Must know that he/she has sinned.
       3. Must understand that when he/she sins, it is against God.
       4. Must believe that sin separates him/her from God.
       5. Must feel sorry for his/her sin and want to cease sinful actions (repent).

    How do Children Become Christians?
    The same way adults do! After hearing the gospel message of what Jesus has done and then desiring to be saved, each of the following elements must be present:
       1. Repentance – not just knowledge of sin, but sadness over the sin & the desire to reverse his/her direction into whole-hearted obedience to God.
       2. Faith – trusting in, believing in, & depending on Jesus for salvation.
       3. Confession – committing one’s life to serve Jesus as Lord (King/Master).

    My Child Is Asking Questions About Salvation and Baptism. Is He/She Ready?
    Children ask questions about lots of subjects because they are naturally curious. When it comes to their asking questions about salvation, do not confuse curiosity with readiness for salvation. These two items are distinctly different, but the curiosity is a great starting point to begin the conversations with your child about becoming a follower of Christ.

    Children need to clearly know the difference between:
       1. Becoming a Christian
          This is Step 1: the most important step – Jesus transforms our lives.
       2. Being Baptized
          This is Step 2: baptism being a symbol that tells the world of our connection to Christ, our obedience to Him, and our fellowship with all other believers.
       3. Becoming a Member of a Church
          This is Step 3: our decision to unite with a local group of believers. The first church we join is the one in which we are baptized, but we are to continue to be connected to a local body throughout our lives so that we can support, encourage, and sharpen one another throughout our lives as Christians.

    To the Parent who is worried about whether your child is “ready” or not:
    If your child (or children) know the concepts of the ABC’s of salvation well, then I would recommend the following steps:
    1. Go ahead and pray with them, encouraging them to confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior. This is never a bad idea, not even to do multiple times, even if you would like to hold off on baptism for a while to make sure that they understand the gospel and salvation.

    2. Have them talk with your pastor so he can sit down with them and ask them the same questions that should be asked of everyone before joining the church, so he can also hear their answers to the questions. That way everyone can be in agreement about whether your child is ready for salvation, baptism, and church membership.

    3. You can share with them that you want them to wait a bit longer to be baptized, because you want to make sure of two things that occur with people their age who are baptized:
         a. many times children their age want to be baptized because other people are making the same decision, and while we don’t think that is the case with them, we want to wait just a bit more time to make sure they are certain of why they are being baptized.
         b. many times when children their age are baptized at such a young age, they have a hard time remembering it, and we want them to be able to remember it because it is so important for every person.

    I have baptized young children, but I do know that it is harder for them to remember the event the earlier the age at which they are baptized. And that can sometimes lead to doubts later on, such as in the teenage years, of asking: “Did I really understand what I was doing back then?” When that occurs, my questions to them are: Did you know you were a sinner then? Did you believe Jesus died on the cross? Did you believe Jesus rose again? Did you want Jesus to be your Lord? Did you have a conversation about this with your parents and/or pastor? If your answer is yes to all the questions, then yes, you can trust that you were saved and you understood it at a 7-year-old level, and as you have grown older you have also grown in your understanding of Jesus and what He did to save you from your sin.

    I was 8 when I was baptized and I don’t remember much about the experience. But I do know I was saved with an 8-year-old understanding and now I understand it with a 44-year-old understanding. I have come far, but I still have much more to learn about salvation. Our church’s current youth minister was 7 when he was baptized and he remembers his experience quite vividly. He also agrees that he was saved with a 7-year-old understanding and now he understands salvation at a deeper level.

    So I would say:
    1. If your child has a handle on the concepts, then certainly have them pray with you about salvation.
    2. Determine if you want them to go ahead and be baptized or if you feel they should wait a bit longer.
    3. Let your pastor know what you decide, and bring your child to talk to him.
    4. Allow your pastor to go over it again with your child, and if he also feels that they are ready, then celebrate their salvation, no matter whether your decision is for them to “wait-a-while” or “go ahead and be baptized.”

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